Why do men always have to knock each other down? Frankly, I'm sick of it. It's the reason they don't get ahead in the world - they're too busy having a go at each other.
Men find it difficult to succeed in the workplace, because they are forever taking credit for work that's not theirs, making people redundant, overlooking others for promotions, and all manner of unkind behaviour.
They are aggressive, taking their frustrations out on other men with their fists, and if they're not physically fighting then they're backstabbing their mates by sleeping with their partners. They don't call their mates on their birthdays, they don't organise get-togethers, and the competition on the sporting field is not friendly. Is it any wonder they struggle? Men are their own worst enemies.
In the gym, if a guy sees another guy fitter than him he will suck in his gut and think bad thoughts about his rival. He will never congratulate another guy on a job well done. He will leave a bro for dead if he sees a woman they both like in a nightclub. They mock each other all the time, making jokes at other guys' expense. Case in point: any bucks night - ritual humiliation at its best. Why are men so hell bent on destroying each other?
Politics, that male-dominated sphere, is full of backstabbers, liars and egomaniacs. Men spend the first third of their lives competing in the playground only to tear each other down in the public arena too.
Sure, men are occasionally able to enjoy a beer together or even lend a supportive ear, but pubs and football fields should come with a warning that not every one plays nicely.
Do women brawl with each other after too much to drink? No. Do women call each other charming names like "pussy-whipped" when their friends are willing to compromise with their partners? No. Do women fart in each other's general direction and then laugh? No.
The macho posturing, the aggressive threats, the dick-swinging competitions, the merciless mocking, the disloyalty - dudes, the dogfighting has got to stop. You've got to band together, or you've only got yourselves to blame for your problems.
* In case you didn't pick it up, the above is a satire based on this post that trots out the old chestnut that women are our own worst enemies. I'd love to see a considered piece on internalised misogyny and how when we blame an entire gender for things that both genders do and are responsible for, we are reinforcing that misogyny. Instead, I wrote this piece.